


Deepest Confession

by cadkitten



Category: Alice Nine, Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Fingerfucking, Fluff, Hermaphrodites, M/M, Oral Sex, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-06-15
Updated: 2008-06-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 03:33:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tora has a secret that's caused him lots of pain over the years. His relationship with Die has come to a point where he can't hide it any longer. It'll either bring them closer or tear them apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deepest Confession

**Author's Note:**

> Written for fortheloveofdie 006. Awkward  
> No, I don't think this is the truth, so stuff it if you're going to bitch about my choice of topics, as this one hits me VERY close to home. Thanks.  
> Song: "Conceived Sorrow" by Dir en grey

Isn't it something, to have to wake up each morning and remember who you really are? To be so fully aware of the lie you're living, yet living it just the same? Or maybe it shows something that I'm at least aware of the fact that I'm living this lie.

I guess I just keep wondering if maybe life shouldn't mean more than this. If one day is a lie and that lie is fulfilling... what does that say about the next? I'm over-thinking it. But I can't stop that which aches deep inside me. I wish I could just spill out the truth to someone - to have someone to trust enough that they'd still love me after they knew my secrets.

I shift uneasily in my seat beside my boyfriend. We're watching a movie at his house and he keeps putting his hand on my thigh. Each time he does that, I find an excuse to move less than a minute later. I'm embarrassed... frightened, even. If we get far enough, he'll find out the truth without me ever saying a word.

The movie's in a long boring stretch and he's already had two beers. I know that's not a good sign. I should leave before anything happens that he'll regret. I push his hand from my leg for the millionth time tonight and stand up, stretching a little. "I've gotta go, babe."

His eyes meet mine and he looks almost sad. I know one of these times he's going to say something. It's inevitable. I think he already knows I'm avoiding physical contact with him. After all, I'm making it kind of obvious. I don't mean to be, but I can't really push him away inconspicuously.

I turn around and head for the door, tears welling in my eyes. If only my parents were still around. I'd kill them for what they did to me, how they chose to leave me. An indecision on their part leading to unhappiness on mine. If they'd made up their damn minds when I was born, then I wouldn't be like this. I can't even understand why the doctors would let them leave me this way. I guess because I'm okay on the inside, they just left the outside the way it was.

I push my arm into the sleeve of my jacket as the first of my tears falls to the wooden floor beneath my feet. I hate them for where they left me. I hate them for dying when I was a few months old and leaving me behind. And even more than that, I hate my Aunt and Uncle for neglecting to make the choice my parents didn't.

Die's hand closes around my arm and he turns me, pulling me into his arms. "What's wrong? You've been so upset recently."

I try to push him away, panic filling me. What if he can tell just from being this close? I push harder when he doesn't even budge and start to struggle, tears streaming freely down my face. "Leave me alone!"

He holds me closer and backs me up against the wall. "Calm down, Tora... my angel." He kisses me softly and I whimper. "I'm not trying to hurt you, you know that."

I give up on struggling and just let the wall and his body support me. My jacket is still hanging half off me and he pushes it to the floor as he guides me back to the living room. I let him lead me. It's pointless to struggle. He'll just know more if I don't stop freaking out.

He sits down on his couch and pulls me close to him, cradling me against his side. I draw my feet up and curl up next to him, burying my head against his neck. His fingers stroke my hair and he just lets me be for almost an hour.

When he does speak again, his voice is gentle and patient. "I wish you could trust me enough to let me in on what's bothering you."

I tense a little and I know he senses it because his arm tightens around my waist.

"Don't run off on me again. It hurts when you do that... like I'm not enough, no matter how much I try to be."

I can actually hear the ache in his voice and that pains me. "I... you'd hate me if you knew the truth."

"I could never hate you. I already admitted how I feel to you. That's not about to change, baby."

It's been four months since we started dating. And it's been nine since I started my 'change'. My doctor seems to think it'll be another four or five before I'm fully healed. I hate this. I hate myself for being born like this and I hate the world for being what it is.

"It would change... you wouldn't be able to stop it." I find myself choked up and I know I'm going to cry again. It's those damn pills they gave me, it must be. I never used to cry like this. "Once you find out the truth, you'll abandon me just like everyone else has."

Die's voice is hard and I can tell he's holding back anger. "I would never do that."

His words strike a cord within me and I can't keep back what I need to. "I'll prove that wrong. My parents died because of what I am. My Aunt and Uncle couldn't make a decision because they were too damn scared. And every person I've ever dated, male or female, has been horrified and I've had to pay them off to keep them quiet. You'll just be another statistic in my book." I know I'm being ugly about it. But how else am I supposed to be? No one has ever understood. Even my doctor talks to the nurses in the hallway when he thinks I can't hear and calls me a freak of nature.

Die looks shocked and angry at the same time. Even just peering up at him from my position, he looks sincerely pissed off. I go to move away and he tightens his grip. "No leaving. Just spit it out. What is it that I'll hate you for?"

I put my head back against his shoulder for a moment and then lean up, pulling at the front of his white shirt for leverage as I lean up and kiss him softly. Just as he starts to kiss me back, I pull away and go back to my former position. "I wanted that one more time before I can't ever have it again." My chest is tight and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

His fingers brush against my cheek and I lean into the touch, my eyes fluttering between open and closed. My breathing speeds up, even from that little touch. Shame floods me as I remember why I don't let him touch me this way. I've never managed to get anywhere past naked with someone before they freak out and walk away. The only comfort I've ever had is in my own hands and really, for someone my age, that's not nearly enough.

I push his hand away and turn further into his shoulder for a moment, composing myself. "I..." I take a shaky breath, "I've never outright told anyone this before. Just, please, promise me if you're angry, that you'll let me walk away. I'll never bother you again and I'll disappear from your life. I just can't take it if one more person hurts me because of it. Please...."

He tugs me impossibly closer. "I won't hurt you."

I close my eyes and try desperately to let go of him in my heart, but I already know I can't. "This isn't some little thing... it's huge." He nods and I continue. "When I was born, there was something... wrong with me. My parents didn't want to make a decision, so they left me the way I was. Someone broke into our house when I was a few months old and shot them both. I guess they didn't notice I was upstairs, so I... I lived. I wish I hadn't, but I did."

His breath catches in his throat and his fingers are trembling.

"My Aunt and Uncle took me in after everyone fought over who wanted the 'freak baby'. I basically grew up being treated like I was less than anyone else. For the longest time, I never understood why. It took me until I met my first girlfriend, when I was fourteen, to understand. She freaked out and told the entire school my secret. We had to move to another city just to escape the talk. My Aunt and Uncle hated me for that and forbade me to date anyone from then on. I was stupid graduation night and tried to hook up with some random guy from my graduating class at this party I went to. Everything was fine until he got me undressed and then he just left me there, naked on the upstairs bed. At least he kept his mouth shut. Every relationship I've had since then fails at exactly the same point - when it gets to where a normal couple would be physical with each other, everything comes crashing down. That's why I've been avoiding you. I don't want it to end yet... I need you in my life at least a little longer."

Die pushes me back a little and then turns me fully toward him, hauling me up on his lap. "Look at me."

I look up into his eyes and he lightly caresses my cheek. "It sounds like those people don't understand that sometimes things are different than what they consider normal. It also sounds like they didn't care about you enough to deal with whatever was thrown their way. At least give me a chance. If I turn out to be another asshole, then at least you know that. But isn't there even a chance that I'll be the one who can and will understand and accept?"

I bow my head and then nod a little. He tilts my head back and brushes his lips against mine. "You can either tell me or I can find out on my own. Which one would you rather it be?"

I shiver a little and I can already feel my body screaming for him to touch me. But I also know that's not the wisest path to follow. "I'll tell you." My voice is so small and I feel even more vulnerable than it sounds. "For the past nine months, I've been undergoing surgery to correct what everyone else didn't. I just did the final part of it last month. Remember when I was so sore I could barely walk and told you it was my back?"

He nods as he slides his fingers down my arms.

"It wasn't my back. I couldn't even sit without it hurting like a bitch. I..." I take in a huge breath of air and slowly let it out, "I'm actually... normal now, but you can still see where I had the surgery because it's not healed completely yet."

There's silence between us for quite a while and then he lightly squeezes my arm. "Go on."

"I was born both..."

"Both?"

"Male and female. The female part wasn't functioning, but it was passable if they rearranged a little and took a few things away. The male part is fully functional and dominant."

He blinks at me, slightly startled and I can't help but expect a violent outburst to follow the confusion. "But... they're supposed to take care of that when you're born!"

I nod a little. "Like I said, my parents wouldn't make the decision so..." I shrug.

He shakes his head and pulls me to him. "Bastards. They left you having to deal with this on your own, years later. That's just not right."

I swallow hard. Why isn't he pissed off at me? Why isn't he hitting me like the last few? Maybe because we're not in the middle of trying to have sex. Maybe I'll get out of this one and lose a lover, but keep a friend.

"So... can I ask questions?"

I nod a little.

"By not functioning female, what do you mean exactly?"

"No internal parts, just external."

"So you had both?" His voice sounds a little choked, like he's embarrassed. "A dick and a vagina?"

I nod again, my own cheeks heating up.

"One would think no bisexual man would run away from that, but then maybe I'm a weirdo or something. I mean, why would someone not want to try that?"

Now I really am blushing. How can he just be so open about this?! I can't believe he's implying he'd have tried out every part of me if I'd let him.

He clears his throat. "Sorry... that was... a little forward."

I manage a short nervous laugh and he slides his hands down to my lower back, lightly holding me in place.

"The surgery... you said it's done now?"

"Yeah...."

"So which did you chose?"

I pull back and stare at him like he's lost it. "Which the hell do you think? I can't very well sprout boobs and turn into a girl in front of the public!"

He blushes and grins. "Just thought I'd ask so I knew what I was looking for."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "You're impossible."

"Nah, apparently everyone else is and I'm the only one who isn't. If you notice, I'm not pushing you away here...."

My eyes widen a little and then I nod slightly. "But... why aren't you?"

He sighs. "Tora... I care a lot about you. We've invested four months in our relationship and for me, that's some kind of record. I'm not throwing all of that away over something like this. It's not like you went and fucked someone behind my back. I can deal with this just fine."

Slowly a smile creeps onto my face and I snuggle up to him, my face buried against his neck. I lick at it lightly and he lets out a soft pleased sound. "Does that mean you still want me?"

His hands move to cup my ass and he arches his hips up against me. "Always, baby... always."

I move against him a little, my hips tentatively creating friction between us. It doesn't take much before I'm hard and I can feel him starting to be beneath me. He tilts my head back and finds my lips with his own, kissing me heatedly. I moan into his mouth and he takes advantage of it by slipping his tongue in and tasting me.

My body burns impatiently and I grab his shoulders, using him for leverage as I grind against him, providing both of us with a huge amount of friction. My cock twitches and I know for sure this isn't going to last as long as it should if I keep this up. My hands are shaking and I can barely breathe.

Die's hand curls in my hair and he pulls back from the kiss, tilting my head and kissing down my throat. He swipes his tongue over my Adam's apple and then makes a small sound that sends shivers though my body. "Let me have you tonight."

"Y-yes."

He picks me up like I weigh nothing, carrying me to his bedroom and carefully laying me on his bed, crawling up after me. I scoot up so that my head's on the pillows and he smiles as his fingers lightly caress my abdomen. "Can I undress you?"

I avert my gaze and nod a little.

He pushes my shirt up and I help him get if off me. He tosses it to the floor and focuses his attention on my nipples, licking and sucking on each one in turn.

Arousal burns within me and I desperately try to put a damper on it. Part of me wishes I weren't hard yet. It'll be so much more embarrassing when he opens my pants.

His fingers find my belt and loosen it before popping open each button of my fly and pushing both my jeans and boxers down my hips. They catch on my erection and he lifts the material with two fingers before sliding them the rest of the way off and tossing them to the floor. His brown eyes darken with lust as his gaze fixes on my cock and he wraps his hand around my shaft, stroking me teasingly.

I arch into his touch, a gasp of surprise leaving my lips. Usually, this is right where everyone leaves me. Part of me still expects him to leave, even as the other part is drowning in pleasure.

His free hand caresses my sac, gently kneading the flesh and then lifting a little as he spreads his legs and leans down. His tongue flicks over the head of my cock and then trails a line down the underside of my shaft and over my balls. He sucks one into his mouth and plays with it with his tongue.

My hands fist in the sheets and I cry out, not used to having anyone pay any attention to me like this.

He pumps my shaft, his speed agonizingly slow. I don't even notice that he's slipped his hand lower until I feel him brush past my still healing flesh. Instantly, my body is rigid and I wait on him to pull away in disgust. But he doesn't, he just pushes his finger lower until he's at my ass, gently circling the tight ring of muscle. He stops sucking on me and goes back to bathing my cock with his tongue.

I reach down and pull his hair a little. He pulls away and looks up at me questioningly. My eyes ask him every question I could ever have and he responds by moving back up my body and capturing my mouth with his. When he pulls away, we're both breathless and he presses his lips lightly against my ear. "I'm fine with this if you are. If you want me to stop, just say so."

I shake my head, the hand still in his hair tightening as I grasp frantically at him. "Don't stop." I can feel his smile against me and it warms my heart.

He pulls my hand from his hair and kisses the palm before sliding it down to rest against his belt. "You have permission to do whatever you want with me."

Hesitantly, I drop my fingers lower, caressing the bulge in his worn jeans. He pushes his hips forward and I can feel the warmth of his cock pressing against me from inside the confines of his pants. I want him in my hand, in my mouth... inside me. He swipes his thumb over the head of my cock and resumes pumping me. I moan, my head falling back against the pillows as I bring my other hand down to help me fumble with his belt and then his button and zipper. I get a surprise when my hand touches warm flesh instead of material. A spark of lust runs through my body at the thought that he's not wearing any underwear and hasn't been all night.

He lets me stroke him, mirroring my movements on my own rigid flesh. After a while, his lips find mine again and he moves his body fully between my legs, urging my thighs open enough to accommodate him. He releases my lips when I let go of his cock. He stares down between us, his face flushed and desire written in the way he's holding himself. A tremor runs through him and he licks his lips. "Can you..." he swallows and tries again, "will it hurt where you've had your surgery for me to take you?"

I shake my head and then realize he isn't looking at my face. "The doctor said it should be fine by now... I think."

"You think?" He glances worriedly up at me.

"I... it's hard for me to see and he said when it just looks like I cut myself on something, it should be fine."

Die leans up and lifts my sac, his gaze fully inspecting the area and one finger trailing over where I know all too well that something else used to be. "It actually doesn't look bad at all. Kind of a raised red line is all. You must heal fast."

I shake my head. "No... the last bit had to be done twice. I accidentally ripped it open, so it was already partially healed from the first time."

He twitches a little. "Ow..."

I nod. "Yeah... but if that's how it looks, we should be fine. I mean... if you really want this. Don't force yourself to do this because you think it'll hurt me if you don't. I-"

"Stop being so negative with me." He leans over me and pulls open his bedside drawer. After rummaging around for a minute, he sits back, now holding a tube of lubricant and a condom. "I want you. I'd think that was obvious from how hard I am."

I flush a little. I can't help but stare at the items he's holding.

"Do you want this?"

I close my eyes and spread my legs further. I can't believe I'm actually going to say this. "Make love to me, Die."

His mouth crashes into mine and I tense for a moment before giving in and kissing him back hungrily. Coolness touches my entrance and I push against his lube-slicked finger. It slides in easily and he moans into my mouth as he fucks me with it. From the way the rest of his hand hits me, I know it's his middle finger and that alone sends thrills through me. I'll never react the same when someone flips me off again.

He slides in another finger and it just feels a little tight, but not uncomfortable. It isn't long before he pushes in a third and starts moving them in and out. Now it stings a little, but I refuse to complain. I want him in me and he's just a little wider than three of his fingers together. He slips them in as far as they can go and then curls them a little. I gasp and my cock throbs as a shiver wracks my entire body.

He pulls back from kissing me and does it again, watching my reaction. Pleasure tingles along my body and I can feel the steady throb in my groin growing. Again his fingers strike that spot and I reach out blindly for him, my voice a pitch higher than usual as I beg him. "You... I want you."

He pulls his fingers out and I hear the condom opening and then feel the lube hit the bed as he tosses it back down. Then his heat is pressing against my entrance and I'm pushing back against him, desperate to have him inside me. He steadies himself on the bed and grasps my cock with his free hand, pumping me as he thrusts into my body. I cry out and he stays still, jerking me quick and hard.

I can't quite focus on anything but the pleasure his hand is giving me. Even when he starts to thrust, I can't keep my mind away from how good his hand is making me feel. His mouth covers mine and his tongue immediately presses against my lips for entrance. I give it to him and I could swear he fucks my mouth with his tongue, just as his cock is fucking me. And then I can't feel anything except his warm length sliding in and out of my tight passage.

I moan into his mouth and he sucks on my tongue, his pace speeding up and his hips coming harder and harder against me. My cock throbs in his hand and I wish he'd give me that last little bit I need to cum for him. He pulls back from kissing me and lets go of my cock. He stops thrusting and sits back, reaching down and grasping my thighs. He pulls me up, supporting me so that my lower body is lifted off the bed and then he begins to thrust again.

I let out the most humiliating sounds as he finds that spot he'd been touching earlier. The blunt head of his length against it feels even better and the knowledge that he's actually getting something out of it this time forces me higher. My cries get louder and he slips one of my legs over his shoulder and reaches around it to grasp my cock. He times each movement of his hand over my flesh to the rhythm of his cock sliding in and out of me. I'm crying out so loud I know his neighbors must know we're screwing each other blind in here. I wonder for a split second if they care and then I'm lost in him again.

He speeds up and his moans mix with mine as his flesh slaps against me harder and harder. I feel like he's trying to fit all of himself inside me and I want him to. He twists his hand in just the right way and I scream as I cum hard, my cock throbbing as he milks me dry. He's only just behind me, his final thrust coming just as I finish and then I can feel his length pulsing within me. I moan softly and he manages to choke out my name.

We collapse in a heap a few seconds later and he gently pulls out of me, making sure to hold onto the base of the condom as he does. He ties it and discards it in the trashcan before lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms. I've never felt like this in my life and I couldn't be happier that my first time was with someone who actually accepts me and cares about me like he does.

He nuzzles my neck with his nose and then licks lightly at it. "How was it?"

"Better than I ever imagined."

He grins against me and makes a small sound of approval. "Damn right it was. I've never had a more responsive lover."

I move a little and find that I'm sore already. Wincing, I stay put and settle on staying where I'm at. "Um... I'm not sure I can move anytime soon."

"Good, because you're staying here tonight." He shuffles the covers around with his feet and pulls it up enough to grab it with his hand and pull it up over us. "You're all mine now, Tora, baby."

I smile as I let him wrap me in his warmth. "Are you all mine?"

"Of course."

**The End**  



End file.
